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The State Of The Artist #2
I just had an epiphany,maybe it’s The Muse,I don’t know. So I guess I’m fated to continue atleast ‘til the end of this little story.
I’m a true “dyed in the T-shirt” hippy way back when during the Yorkville days in Toronto. Living the life of music,free love,lots of stimulants,crash pads,communal living and all the other appendages of peace.love,tuning in,grooving,dropping out and just plain dropping anything that’s put in your hand or mouth or both.
I’m sharing a house with I don’t remember how many other hippies and their “old ladies”. Typical night. No gig,so stay home at the pad and wait for the drop ins that are sure to arrive during the evening.. The usual joint is passed around the table. Hendrix or the Doors or CSNY or anyone that played at Woodstock is screaming from the turntable.
The music is our constant backdrop. I go to my usual safe spot at the end of the table and withdraw as I do almost every night,unless I’m out playing at a club. I grab my ink pens,my pencils,my paper and start scetching. In those days it was all about Celtic designs,psychedelic imagery,dharma,karma and anything “trippy”. I would fly around my universe while the music carried me from one frame of consciousness to another. After time, I would snap out of my “trance”,realizing that I had an audience to the left,right and behind me. Sitting in silence,they would be transfixed on whatever image I created. Sometimes they would come out of me in minutes,sometimes hours. All the while I was aware of other presences but never dared to look up for fear of losing “the groove”. I only acknowledged them when the graphic trip was over.
This was a frequent activity in the pad or many other places I crashed during the hippy days. I usurped Hendrix,The Jefferson Starship,The Doors. They all became my back up band as I sketched away freestyle.
Many of the regulars at the many tables or corners I free form sketched at,would also follow me at my gigs. There were many clubs that I played in during those fertile years in Toronto.
All sounds great to me. What’s the point of the story? Nice as it is getting all nostalgic I do have a point don’t I?
Well I’m guessing that I’m writing about denial and then acceptance. See, as I warned you and myself in the first post, I will only write if The Muse is here. It is,and I can’t stop to ask questions. So, I’m not sure where this going. I just have to follow. I’m sure there will be clarification at the end. I hope so!
Denial and acceptance? Think about what’s just been thrown at you Kanarek. Don’t think to hard,or you’re gonna lose you know who,and then it just becomes bullshit. Okay. So something’s bothering me about those days and those tables and those clubs. Yeah, I think I get it. I was getting freaked out by being the source of entertainment. Like some trained animal ready to perform on demand! Is that’s what’s so bothersome? Yeah,that and the fact that I was feeling like freak. I wanted to be like everybody else. I already sttod out because of my height. Now I’ve got this “skething,playing” that sticks out like a huge wart! I’m not saying that I didn’t love the attention. It’s just that I wished someone else could have taken over the helm for a little breathing time. So I get it. I wore my talent like a huge coil of chains. Maybe someone elese could of dealt with it more intelligently or with more grace. I didn’t. I wanted to speak,act and be like everyone else/ I’m realizing that I still hadn’t accepted who I was back then. It was a great ride,but it would be years until I realized that I could have saved myself much agony if I was just a little brighter back then. Wow,the memory of me constantly dumbing myself down just hit me really hard. There’s a ton of gifted people out there who are,or are not dealing with who they are. I am not embarrassed,nor do I feel arrogant admitting to myself that I am talented. That was an important step for me. You wear it with grace and thankfulness. If you keep it to yourself that’s fine. It’s one way to protect yourself from close contact. As soon as you put it out there, you are performing. At that point you will be judged,admired,hated,misunderstood,abused,heralded,despised, idolized and all other emotions and acts that happen when put under close scrutiny by the audience. It happens in galleries,book signings,concerts,photo shoots,recitals and any other venue that an iron willed artist puts himself or herself in. So I wasted so many years not having the balls or nerve to admit I am talented! Multi-talented actually. There I said it! I felt different. I sunk into the miasma of compensating for my inability to accept who I was. Sometimes I’d counter by lack of self-confidence with obnoxious displays of over the top arrogance. Very bad! I’m not a psychologist,but I’m sure there was a whole lot of much deeper demons lurking behind a lot of cerebral real estate! I know most of them intimately now. I even have names for each of them. So,what am I learning on this trip that the Muse has been so kind to take me on? I swear, I probably won’t know til this particular stream is spent and I finally read it. I know that I tried to downplay my talents so that I didn’t stand out. That’s more than denial. It’s even worse. I’d call it self inflicted repression! As I got older,I seemed to get more of a handle on this possible psychosis. I always enjoyed the performing. The galleries,the concert stages,unrolling a design for a client. It’s all performance.I still felt awkward. The cliché is,I felt that I didn’t deserve the attention. Isn’t that interesting Kanarek? So,it was part repression and part denial. Denial of what? Talent? The fact that I was repressing the talent? Denial that I was an artist?So besides denial and acceptance,there is now repression? Complicated path. The Muse just left. Seriously. I’m stopping.
The State Of The Artist #1
I’ll try as best I can to describe the journey, the psyche,the attitude,the denial,the acceptance and anything else I can touch upon that might illuminate this elusive universe that I call “The State Of The Artist?. It’s a state of mind,spirit and necessity, that is highly romanticized, clearly misunderstood, sometimes overblown beyond recognition and other times,not given the credit it’s due.
There are no notes,no script or ultimate goal here. It is an idea that I know has been percolating for a long time. I am not sure what form it will take. I do know that I will only write when “The Muse” visits me. Otherwise it will be premeditated, intellectualized verbal masturbation. I do know one thing for me personally and that is, true Art and it’s creation cannot be premeditated or intellectualized. Those are to be left to the “after the fact” act of critiques and criticism. It will be raw, not proof read,full of wrinkles and definitely full of typos. I guess it will be stream of consciousness writing.
Maybe my selfish “raison d’etre” is to help me understand myself. Maybe my ramblings will help those already on the path,and those that don’t realize that they are already on it.
Maybe this can all be said on one page. Maybe it will justify a series of installments. I don’t know. The Muse will be the final authority.
Well here I go. Wish me luck. Both the journey and the description of the journey are not for the faint of heart!
I am feeling right now that one of the most difficult stages for me was that of acceptance. Not acceptance by others,but the time it took for me to embrace the fact that I myself was and am an artist. As a matter of fact it wasn’t ‘til about a decade ago that I could comfortably call myself what I was. An Artist! Why did it take me that long? I guess I knew from childhood on that I was different. I can’t remember why I felt different from those around me. All I can say is that there was a constant awareness of destiny. I don’t mean that in any romantic or spiritual context. I just knew that there was something waiting for me. As I write this, it’s as if I’m hearing this for the first time! I just learned something about myself!
I always knew from the age of five that I would sing,or design houses and draw. I knew that so long ago. I’m sitting here now telling that child from decades ago that he was right!
I never once during my much hated high school years consult with a guidance counselor to discuss the pros and cons of embarking on a career in the Arts. Even though I didn’t embrace and accept who I was until many years later,I knew one thing for sure. I was never going to compromise what I felt driven to do. It was an uncontrollable desire. I was only sane when I was in the process of creating. I would still have become who I am today with or without my parents support or guidance.
They,as Holocaust survivors,wanted only one thing. Survival for them and their family! They did as best they could to offer “passive’ support. It became more a case of them begrudgingly accepting the inevitable. They couldn’t stop me. It wasn’t well into my adulthood that they finally with much frustration accept the fact that I was going to and had to pursue and followThe Muse. I am grateful that they lived to see some concerts and art exhibits.
So,this Muse thing I keep talking about is very interesting to me. It smacks of blind loyalty to some unknown mysterious energy that visits at it’s whim and fancy. Sounds insane doesn’t it? Well maybe it is,but I know when it’s coursing through every ounce of my being!
And maybe,this is the first salient concept in understanding this “State Of The Artist”. I know that Art (not commercial art),is something that chooses you. It is not something that you have any control over. Perhaps you might deny it’s existence,or even worse, doing everything you can to kill it. I understand that in many cases people have crushed the Muse because they felt that they needed financial stability or one or more of many other reasons that lead to the killing of childhood dreams. I can understand and appreciate their decision. At the same time,I feel compassion and regret for them.
Like I said,”The State Of The Artist” is not for the faint of HeArt!
So knowing and understanding that there is that moment when you have been chosen to walk this path,that you have the option to kill it or follow it,has just helped me understand a little more about the process.
To be contimued?
I’ll try as best I can to describe the journey, the psyche,the attitude,the denial,the acceptance and anything else I can touch upon that might illuminate this elusive universe that I call “The State Of The Artist?. It’s a state of mind,spirit and necessity, that is highly romanticized, clearly misunderstood, sometimes overblown beyond recognition and other times,not given the credit it’s due.
There are no notes,no script or ultimate goal here. It is an idea that I know has been percolating for a long time. I am not sure what form it will take. I do know that I will only write when “The Muse” visits me. Otherwise it will be premeditated, intellectualized verbal masturbation. I do know one thing for me personally and that is, true Art and it’s creation cannot be premeditated or intellectualized. Those are to be left to the “after the fact” act of critiques and criticism. It will be raw, not proof read,full of wrinkles and definitely full of typos. I guess it will be stream of consciousness writing.
Maybe my selfish “raison d’etre” is to help me understand myself. Maybe my ramblings will help those already on the path,and those that don’t realize that they are already on it.
Maybe this can all be said on one page. Maybe it will justify a series of installments. I don’t know. The Muse will be the final authority.
Well here I go. Wish me luck. Both the journey and the description of the journey are not for the faint of heart!
I am feeling right now that one of the most difficult stages for me was that of acceptance. Not acceptance by others,but the time it took for me to embrace the fact that I myself was and am an artist. As a matter of fact it wasn’t ‘til about a decade ago that I could comfortably call myself what I was. An Artist! Why did it take me that long? I guess I knew from childhood on that I was different. I can’t remember why I felt different from those around me. All I can say is that there was a constant awareness of destiny. I don’t mean that in any romantic or spiritual context. I just knew that there was something waiting for me. As I write this, it’s as if I’m hearing this for the first time! I just learned something about myself!
I always knew from the age of five that I would sing,or design houses and draw. I knew that so long ago. I’m sitting here now telling that child from decades ago that he was right!
I never once during my much hated high school years consult with a guidance counselor to discuss the pros and cons of embarking on a career in the Arts. Even though I didn’t embrace and accept who I was until many years later,I knew one thing for sure. I was never going to compromise what I felt driven to do. It was an uncontrollable desire. I was only sane when I was in the process of creating. I would still have become who I am today with or without my parents support or guidance.
They,as Holocaust survivors,wanted only one thing. Survival for them and their family! They did as best they could to offer “passive’ support. It became more a case of them begrudgingly accepting the inevitable. They couldn’t stop me. It wasn’t well into my adulthood that they finally with much frustration accept the fact that I was going to and had to pursue and followThe Muse. I am grateful that they lived to see some concerts and art exhibits.
So,this Muse thing I keep talking about is very interesting to me. It smacks of blind loyalty to some unknown mysterious energy that visits at it’s whim and fancy. Sounds insane doesn’t it? Well maybe it is,but I know when it’s coursing through every ounce of my being!
And maybe,this is the first salient concept in understanding this “State Of The Artist”. I know that Art (not commercial art),is something that chooses you. It is not something that you have any control over. Perhaps you might deny it’s existence,or even worse, doing everything you can to kill it. I understand that in many cases people have crushed the Muse because they felt that they needed financial stability or one or more of many other reasons that lead to the killing of childhood dreams. I can understand and appreciate their decision. At the same time,I feel compassion and regret for them.
Like I said,”The State Of The Artist” is not for the faint of HeArt!
So knowing and understanding that there is that moment when you have been chosen to walk this path,that you have the option to kill it or follow it,has just helped me understand a little more about the process.
To be contimued?
I’ll try as best I can to describe the journey, the psyche,the attitude,the denial,the acceptance and anything else I can touch upon that might illuminate this elusive universe that I call “The State Of The Artist?. It’s a state of mind,spirit and necessity, that is highly romanticized, clearly misunderstood, sometimes overblown beyond recognition and other times,not given the credit it’s due.
There are no notes,no script or ultimate goal here. It is an idea that I know has been percolating for a long time. I am not sure what form it will take. I do know that I will only write when “The Muse” visits me. Otherwise it will be premeditated, intellectualized verbal masturbation. I do know one thing for me personally and that is, true Art and it’s creation cannot be premeditated or intellectualized. Those are to be left to the “after the fact” act of critiques and criticism. It will be raw, not proof read,full of wrinkles and definitely full of typos. I guess it will be stream of consciousness writing.
Maybe my selfish “raison d’etre” is to help me understand myself. Maybe my ramblings will help those already on the path,and those that don’t realize that they are already on it.
Maybe this can all be said on one page. Maybe it will justify a series of installments. I don’t know. The Muse will be the final authority.
Well here I go. Wish me luck. Both the journey and the description of the journey are not for the faint of heart!
I am feeling right now that one of the most difficult stages for me was that of acceptance. Not acceptance by others,but the time it took for me to embrace the fact that I myself was and am an artist. As a matter of fact it wasn’t ‘til about a decade ago that I could comfortably call myself what I was. An Artist! Why did it take me that long? I guess I knew from childhood on that I was different. I can’t remember why I felt different from those around me. All I can say is that there was a constant awareness of destiny. I don’t mean that in any romantic or spiritual context. I just knew that there was something waiting for me. As I write this, it’s as if I’m hearing this for the first time! I just learned something about myself!
I always knew from the age of five that I would sing,or design houses and draw. I knew that so long ago. I’m sitting here now telling that child from decades ago that he was right!
I never once during my much hated high school years consult with a guidance counselor to discuss the pros and cons of embarking on a career in the Arts. Even though I didn’t embrace and accept who I was until many years later,I knew one thing for sure. I was never going to compromise what I felt driven to do. It was an uncontrollable desire. I was only sane when I was in the process of creating. I would still have become who I am today with or without my parents support or guidance.
They,as Holocaust survivors,wanted only one thing. Survival for them and their family! They did as best they could to offer “passive’ support. It became more a case of them begrudgingly accepting the inevitable. They couldn’t stop me. It wasn’t well into my adulthood that they finally with much frustration accept the fact that I was going to and had to pursue and followThe Muse. I am grateful that they lived to see some concerts and art exhibits.
So,this Muse thing I keep talking about is very interesting to me. It smacks of blind loyalty to some unknown mysterious energy that visits at it’s whim and fancy. Sounds insane doesn’t it? Well maybe it is,but I know when it’s coursing through every ounce of my being!
And maybe,this is the first salient concept in understanding this “State Of The Artist”. I know that Art (not commercial art),is something that chooses you. It is not something that you have any control over. Perhaps you might deny it’s existence,or even worse, doing everything you can to kill it. I understand that in many cases people have crushed the Muse because they felt that they needed financial stability or one or more of many other reasons that lead to the killing of childhood dreams. I can understand and appreciate their decision. At the same time,I feel compassion and regret for them.
Like I said,”The State Of The Artist” is not for the faint of HeArt!
So knowing and understanding that there is that moment when you have been chosen to walk this path,that you have the option to kill it or follow it,has just helped me understand a little more about the process.
To be contimued?
Marvin Kanarek's Blog 